Monty Python Quotes

Peasant 1: Who's that there?
Peasant 2: I don't know... Must be a king...
Peasant 1: Why?
Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine
providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your
Dennis interrupting: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin'
swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some
moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed! Violence inherent in the system!
Violence inherent in the system!

Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's
bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes...
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone
said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same,
just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. And that
one sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over,
and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what
you're going to get, Son, the strongest castle in all of England.
Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Zoot: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal
with her as you like... and then... spank me!
All: And me! And me too! And me!
Zoot: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Zoot: And after the spanking, the oral sex!
Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer...
Knight: We are the Knights who say... NI!
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG!
Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her. She's
beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge ... tracts of land.

Brother Maynard: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch,
saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to
tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast
cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then
thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the
number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither
shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be
reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine
foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."